Still on the wagon…barely

I’m now on day 4 of my Whole30 restart (which is only going to be a Whole12 because I’m stopping when vacation rolls around). The first 12 days flew by with no problem. I kept wondering when I was going to have some of the difficulties many people mention when doing the challenge. I wasn’t starving, hangry, or tired. I didn’t hate the cooking (just the cleaning) or get food bordem. I wasn’t really even tempted to cheat (except for breaking that last rule and stepping on the scale when I noticed my clothes fitting better). I was fired up, focused, and excited to continue my journey.

Then life happened and I put the program on hold for a week. I could have made better choices that week, but instead I chose what I’m dubbing “grief eating”. Frozen custard at 3 in the afternoon, late night cookies and milk with my sissy, donuts for breakfast, and a greasy, cheesy burger at Steak and Shake (did you know they have really good shakes there?*).

I promised myself that upon returning to real life this week, I would resume the program and assumed I would jump right back where I left off. Boy was I WRONG! I am just as dedicated to it as I was before, but man, this time is starting out much more difficult.

Example: Yesterday I had to verbally talk myself out of a candy bar. Seriously! I was standing in front of the vending machine, dollar in hand, and after a solid 2 minutes of internal turmoil, I finally said “I’m worth more than a 3 Musketeer.” It was a successful tactic to beat my temptation and also made me look a little crazy – since it was loud enough for the other person in the breakroom to hear (though she tried to pretend she didn’t). Small victories, right?

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I'm worth more than 240 calories, 36 grams of sugar, and creamy, chocolaty goodness. At least for the next 8 days...

I’m hoping to get back on the track I was on the first time. I’m afraid if I follow the typical time line, I won’t make it the rest of this week and a half before vacation. Between grieving and working and mothering and wife-ing, I may not have the mental capacity or strength to talk myself off the candy bar cliff next time.

But so far today, I haven’t wanted to kill anything, so maybe I’ll be ok after all…

*The newest inside joke in my family. Grammy took my siblings and me out to lunch and wanted to make sure everyone knew the shakes were “really good” by repeating it 4-5 times before we ordered. Even the lady at the table behind us was giggling!

Pushing buttons

Ever wish there was a remote control for life? The past 10 days, I’ve never wished for anything more. I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions, from the high of spending a weekend with family to the low of my father’s death and just about every level of emotion in between.

If I had a life controller, here are the buttons I would use:

Record: Oh how I wish I could have recorded the laughter and stories from my Grammy’s 85th birthday party last weekend! With all my cousins and their families there, it was an afternoon that I would gladly watch on repeat for years to come.

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Queen for a day!

Rewind: I would give just about anything to rewind the clock and go back to the days when I spent my evenings curled up in my dad’s lap. Or to go back just a few days so I could tell him I love him one last time.

Mute: Every loss results in the “would have, should have, could have” thoughts from loved ones. An untimely one makes those thoughts even more loud. Even though I know it won’t bring him back, these things are drowning out any other thought in my head.

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Pause: Boy, this one would get used A LOT. In terms of last week, I put my Whole30 on pause. I could have stayed the course, but since I was staying with my sister and eating with family every night, I didn’t want to add any more stress or burdens to the situation. I’m back on the wagon this week and plan to keep it up until vacation.

Guide: Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just flip through the guide and pick what aspect of our lives we want to focus on right now? Change the channel when the one we’re on isn’t entertaining us anymore? Or use it to see what’s coming next? Lately my brain seems to be constantly channel surfing and I can’t control where it lands. I’m back at work, trying to get my house back in order, and mothering a toddler on the verge of his terrible two’s. The scattering of my brain is making these tasks almost impossible.

As the days go on, I’m sure the grief and sadness will subside, but I’m not sure I’ll ever stop wishing for these buttons. I don’t know that I would use them if they were available, but sometimes I think it would be nice.

I’m sure many of you have been through similar times in your life. What buttons would you use (or not)?